Night Time Thoughts- Betrayal

It’s 2am and I’ve been replaying a song for a couple hours now. The title is Melted by Akdong Musician and it is the most beautiful song I have ever heard. I can’t help but feel a certain way as I listen to this song now. I feel hurt. Not because I’ve been hurt lately by someone. The song brings out the hurt I’ve felt over the years of being betrayed. It’s a strange feeling that I can’t explain why it is happening. I just feel it. Over the past years, I have been betrayed by my closest friends in ways that have scarred me. Even in elementary and middle school, my closest friends at the time back stabbed me. Of course, those instances, repeated instances may I add, doesn’t affect me today. I just laugh at it now seeing that we were all so young back then. However, my closest friends now have betrayed me too. As much we have a good friendship now, I don’t think I can fully heal. I thought I did already. Up until tonight. My heart physically hurt and I am in the verge of tears. This happened over three years ago, but it feels like it just happened. The person I was closest to hurt me too… I was threatened multiple times that I would be destroyed by this person if I don’t do a certain thing. A couple times, my secret was told and till this day, I suffer the consequence. It still hurts. I feel it now. I was told that maybe it’s me. Maybe there’s something wrong with me. Maybe there’s a reason why my so called friends have done this to me. Do I deserve this? Maybe God wanted to strengthen me somehow. I guess that worked. I’m pretty much used to it now. Once I get close with someone, I expect them to betray me sooner or later. I guess it’s my defense mechanism. Just recently, I told myself that I will share my feelings more to my friends because I am the type of person that don’t really talk about my emotions. I just shut them out. I shut people out when I feel emotional and get lost in my world as I listen to my music. After tonight, I don’t think I want to share anymore. The true best friend I have is myself.

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